“The more a therapist learns about a family, the more the family learns about itself; and the more the family learns, the more the therapist learns, in a cycle which continues.”—Murray Bowen
As a youth worker in the early ’90s, the bulk of ministry was teen-centric. Ski trip, fall retreat, pool party, Friday night football, summer camp, mission trip, Wednesday night big group, youth Sunday School and Sunday night small groups were all part of a programming onslaught that would put Las Vegas to shame. The more students we could attract, the more potential adults we could reach with the goal of assimilating them into Sunday morning worship, and eventually have them become stakeholders in the life of the church.
This actually was the kind of language used in our staff meetings; as a young intern, I was eager to please because it made sense to me that “a healthy church is a growing church” (another staff meeting maxim).
The longer I worked with teens, I began to notice that the stakeholders (parents of teenagers) were adult human beings who were facing life head-on and doing the best they could despite some very difficult situations. When I stopped being scared of parents and started talking to them more, I noticed a correlation between troubled parents and troubled kids. I started to resonate with more and more youth workers who were talking about family-based youth ministry, and I knew I never could go back to the way things had been before. My desire to give real support to whole families eventually led me to go back to school and pursue training as a marriage and family therapist.
In my hometown of Kansas City, I have the privilege of speaking frequently with youth workers whose awareness of the significance of ministering to the whole family seems to be alive and well. They have had better training than I did when I was starting, and many of them want to deepen their understanding of the nuances of how families work function and dysfunctionally. I usually start by telling them a little bit about a guy named Murray Bowen who did some ground-breaking work on family systems in the 1950s. Bowen was the first psychiatrist who began to view psychological dysfunction as the result of unhealthy, anxious patterns that were taking place in family relationships. His views were not popular at first, but his work, research and dedication set the cornerstone for what would become the modern field of marriage and family therapy. You certainly don’t have to be in a mental health profession to apply these concepts. Youth workers have different boundaries and different expertise, but when youth workers apply good research and fresh knowledge in their ministries, and if they pay close attention to the undercurrents in a family, some really exciting things begin to happen.
While there are many good resources that can help increase our understanding of how families work and what they need , Bowen is a great place to start. Excellent research tends to reveal the world God has made for us in all of its beauty and complexity no matter who is looking through the microscope. Here are eight concepts that I have boiled down from Bowen’s work, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice that I hope will help you as you love the families God has placed in your care.
1. Differentiation of Self
This might sound complicated, but here’s the meaning: A person’s level of differentiation refers to the degree to which a person can think and act for him or herself while being in contact with emotionally charged situations. It also has to do with how well a person understands his or her own thoughts and feelings, as well as how skilled he or she is at interpreting the thoughts and feelings of others. We could think of teenagers usually having lower levels of because their primary struggle as adolescents is to figure out who they are, who they are not, and exercise their growing independence. This takes time. Why do teens respond so powerfully to mission trips? Because mission trips and other service projects raise their levels of differentiation by affirming the teen’s talents and gifts, and then by giving them ways to look outside themselves and respond to the world around them.
Start by asking yourself, “How do the offerings of my youth ministry provide avenues for teens, families and volunteers to grow in their knowledge of who they are, and how they perceive others and the world around them?” Our ultimate model for differentiation of self is Jesus. Remember this account:
“A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, ‘Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?’ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, ‘Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?’ They were terrified and asked each other, ‘Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!'”
Jesus deeply understood who He was. So in the midst of the squall, He remained calm and exercised His authority to address the emotionally charged situation He faced. Jesus makes differentiation look easy, but it’s not easy. It’s the work of a lifetime.
Bowen understood a triangle to be the most basic molecule of human relationship systems. A bond between two people starts to get unstable when anxiety rises between them. Then one or both people usually try to pull in a third person to help stabilize the interaction. When there are more than three people in a system, anxiety has more places to go, so it tends to fly around and land on different people in the system at different times. Triangles can be healthy or unhealthy, creating either stability or anxiety. Think about the kid in your youth group whose grades or behavior started to collapse as his parents were divorcing. The anxiety of the divorce is between the two adults, but it pulls on the teenager who absorbs the anxiety and starts to struggle. Jesus is in the triangle between a Holy God and fallen man. The atonement relieves the anxiety in the system and stabilizes/restores the relationship. This is the gospel.
Isn’t it fascinating that God, in whose image we are created, expresses Himself as a Trinitarian being? We also read in Ecclesiastes 4:12, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
If you can grow in your ability to identify healthy and unhealthy triangles in relationships (especially the ones in your own family), you will develop an ability to remain calm in the midst of conflict or tragedy and find ways to bring reconciliation and peace to the systems to which you belong.
3. The Core Family Emotional Process
This describes the patterns that start to happen in families in response to stress and anxiety. The four main processes are:
• Marital conflict: As tension rises, couples can resort to criticism, defensiveness, distancing and resentment. They are trying to get control and feel safe, but they often end up resisting each other’s efforts to create stability.
• Dysfunction in one or both spouses: Spouses in conflict tend to start overfunctioning or underfunctioning in unhealthy ways to combat anxiety. In this stage, they can become vulnerable to addiction, depression, anxiety or health problems.
• The impairment of one or more children: Anxiety now begins to trickle down to the