What would I, a 59-year-old man, say to a girl entering her teenage years and soon to be an adult, a mature woman?
Men and women, in general, experience the world around them differently. A young woman should not assume young men enter boy-girl relationships with the same expectations as young women. Just because a girl would do something for a guy does not mean a guy will do the same for a girl for the same reason. It is hard to describe these differences because I am a man; and still at my age I am discovering how little I understand women. Likewise, young ladies will find boys and men to be a mystery. Know ahead of time that this difference exists. Include this difference in your decisions about your relationships with boys and later with men.The nature of a boy-girl relationship is significantly different than the nature of a man-woman relationship. Many of the feelings are the same, but the appropriate ways to express those feelings are different. You will become biologically capable of performing sexual acts years before you will be ready to enter a man-woman relationship that has a balance between the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical components of that relationship. Be patient and give yourself plenty of time to develop fully the emotional, mental and spiritual components of your male and female friendships. These are important prerequisites to a wholesome sexual relationship within the context of marriage.
Properly managing your developing sexuality may be the most challenging task you will encounter during your teenage years. For some people, the addiction of drugs and alcohol will be just as difficult to manage. Often, you will be told: “Don’t have sex. Don’t do drugs. Don’t drink alcohol.” These admonitions alone will not empower you to obey them. A friend of mine used to say: “Find something worthwhile to do, and do it,” like the Nike motto: “Just do it.” Find joy in wholesome activities. Play soccer. Play the piano. Spend time with friends. Cry. Laugh. Get angry. Watch a beautiful sunset. Learn to be the authentic you, fully engaged with life and the people around you.
We all need friends. We all need to be valued. We all have unique gifts. We all yearn to know God is compassionate and gracious. Build your network of friends. Develop your gifts. Allow God to be a wholesome part of every dimension of your life. Know that you are a person of worth. Value the people of worth around you.
When you have something worthwhile to do (when you have people of worth in your life), sex, drugs and alcohol are less likely to lure you. As you develop your emotional, mental and spiritual components, you as an adult will be better prepared to enter a lifelong relationship with a man, with sex being a vital portion of that relationship.
Patience is important. To want to be grown up is normal, but allow yourself the joy of life as one who is not yet fully mature. Enjoy being a girl. As you grow older, enjoy being a young woman, a middle-aged woman, and eventually a woman reveling in her golden years. Each stage of life was meant to be enjoyed and undoubtedly will have its sorrows. As you go from one stage to the next, you will have opportunities that are not available to you just yet. As you look to the future, do not rush into that future. Increased opportunities bring increased responsibilities. Allow yourself enough time to learn the skills and insights needed to shoulder these increased responsibilities. Dream your dreams. Be excited about the new horizons before you, but remember we spend the first 25 years wishing we were older and the next 50 years wishing we were younger. Enjoy your youth.
Setting appropriate boundaries is important. Be self-aware. Protect your identity against those who would ask you to be somebody different from the perseon God created you to be. Know your true friends. Be a true friend to others, but guard against giving so much of yourself that you lose your identity. Giving and receiving are important, but so are balance and equality. Develop relationships that are healthy for all involved. Each is a treasure—the other person, but also you.
Mistakes are part of life. Perfection is impossible. Be wary of any relationship that does not allow imperfection. Be wary of any relationship that separates you from your network of friends (i.e., sometimes the male expects the female to devote all her time and energies exclusively to him). To the extent your means allow, live fully; but also know life can sometimes very feel empty. Do not let the emptiness overcome or scare you. Your friends are your safety net. They encourage you, forgive you and bring out the best in you. Believe in your friends. Believe in your Creator. Believe in yourself. In all things, be true to yourself, to God, to your friends and to your enemies (as much as possible). When you honor each of these, life is an adventure, full of wonder, glory and worth. When you fail to honor these, you risk staying in unhealthy relationships longer than appropriate. You risk becoming unable to recognize when a relationship has become abusive.
Love is a cherished phenomenon, but in our society love is poorly defined. In my younger years, “I love you,” meant I desired her. I desired her to be mine. I desired the ways I could use her to fill the voids within me. I did not cherish her worth or her contribution to the world. I was not willing to help her fulfill her dreams.
This was not done consciously, intentionally or maliciously. In my youth, I was limited in my ability to move past my needs. I could not see her needs as equal to mine. For some, this imbalance is greater than for others, but it is not likely that a boy would possess a love that can survive the trials inherent in the challenges that confront people who make a life-long commitment. Sex, babies and marriage require love, not desire.
Eventually, I learned love focused more on what I could do for her and less on what she could do for me. I focused less on the physical and was better able to pursue the emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions that would ensure our relationship was healthy, mutually supportive and equitable. I suspect that girls have similar misunderstandings of love as do men, but you will have to ask a woman about that.
As best as possible, keep your male-female interactions age appropriate. Allowing sex to be part of the relationship before you and your potential partner are mature adults makes you vulnerable. Without a lifelong commitment, you risk being a commodity that is thrown away when your usefulness has ended. Without the maturity, you risk being unable to provide food and shelter as needed. The lifestyle you now have will be harder to maintain or improve.
During your teenage years, you are more than a girl, but not yet a woman. Many teenage girls will be sexually active. Remember you have choices. You can choose otherwise. Your potential to the world, to yourself and to the man of your dreams is precious. You need time to mature to the degree needed to be a productive member of society vocationally and personally. Maturity benefits you and the boys/men around you. Despite our rough exterior and stoic demeanor, men also are vulnerable and precious. We need you to become responsible, trustworthy and compassionate adults who know how to cherish and nurture the gift of self that one of us one day will give you. Marriage is the union of two individuals who are committed to the welfare of self, each other and the infants/children/teenagers who in time become part of their family.
