I once was found, but now I’m lost.

Ever entered that in your journal? This turn of a phrase accurately depicts this year for me. Not “lost” salvation-wise—I do not doubt a believer’s security in Christ—but lost in the sense of direction. My life during these last months has been, at times, painfully dark and acutely silent.

Last fall, after much prayer and counsel, I sensed God calling me to leave the ministry in which I’ve worked for 17 years in order to take a new career path. Friends and family affirmed that a) this was a sound decision, and b) great opportunities awaited someone with my experience.

Passionately, I scoured the job market. I applied. I networked. I marketed myself. I prayed! And yet … silence. God’s call for me to leave: deafening clear. The direction on where to go next: deafeningly silent. It seemed as if I heard the final boarding call, got my ticket ripped, went down the boarding ramp—but at the end of the narrow passageway, there was no plane to board. Just a straight drop onto the tarmac … with my foot hanging in the air.

On God’s Timetable

In the past, I probably have come across as a broken record on teachability: We’re always students. We have never arrived. When you stop learning, you stop living. These are not clichés to me. I’ve taken them to heart myself, constantly reading, enrolling in seminary classes and so on. But I was blindsided by how much my practical theology still needed to stretch and grow—especially in the area of waiting.

In Praying with Jesus, Eugene Peterson asks, “Who has tried to deceive you by pretending to know God’s timetable?” Sadly, the “deceiver” was me! I had reasoned that if I obeyed God by stepping out in faith, then He would provide the destination in a “timely” manner. I never believed God owed me a job; but, admittedly, I did believe He would help orchestrate the timing in a way I deemed appropriate. He hasn’t.

However, I have learned that our Heavenly Father is not the ultimate poker face, waiting to see which card we play before He reveals His winning hand. As an earthly father, I do not put my sons through unending pop quizzes to make sure they “get it right.” And, of course, God does not treat us this way, either. C.S. Lewis once surmised, “God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t.”

I ceased striving to discern God’s next move when a mentor of mine knowingly remarked, “The only time I’m sure of God’s will is when I look backwards.”

I also realized that while I knew intellectually that God loves me and is my Immanuel (literally “God with Us”), my heart desperately needed to be reminded of these truths.

Finally, I discovered that God is never trite. My wife and I had to sift through many platitudes from well-meaning people, such as, “God’s got something great for you.” Well, maybe He does; but there is no guarantee the next part of the journey will be wonderful. Jesus, Paul and Job are examples of how faithfulness does not insure immediate deliverance.

And so, while lost, I was found anew. Since the beginning of the transition, my wish was to “desire the Giver, not the gift.” Whatever gift you may be waiting on today—a job, a spouse, ministry growth—may the longing never drive a wedge between you and Jesus; but, rather, may it draw you to Him, with a teachable and loving heart, listening past the silence to the reassuring whispers of our Immanuel.

Jeff Chesemore was on staff with Young Life for 17 years. He lives in Newark, Del., with his wife, Jodi, and two sons, Timothy and Aidan