She was the golden child. The person we point to as the example of all that is good about the church and youth ministry.
She was passionate about following Jesus, deeply committed to serving others, and driven to seek out God’s purpose for her life. She was the pride of her family. She went to college believing God called her to be a teacher, but then she sent me a message.
The message turned into a call, which turned into a visit to her college, which opened up a conversation about God’s new plan for her life. She felt like teaching wasn’t what she had expected after having her first few field experiences. All the while, she was involved in a campus ministry that nurtured her passion for discipling others in the way of Jesus. She slowly began to wonder if God was calling her into a ministry.
As any faithful youth pastor would do, I chose to encourage her wonder. I was excited for her and gave her clear advice on how to continue to explore her questions. I knew that it could take her further down the road of embracing a call to ministry. I informed her, if this was indeed what God wanted for her life, it would mean changing her immediate plans and begin working at navigating a new way forward. What I didn’t know at the time was that I just poked a mama bear.
Poking a Mama Bear
About 3 days after my visit, I got a call from the college student’s mom. She sounded pleasant enough on the phone as she informed me that she had heard about my conversations with her daughter. She had called because she wanted to meet with me and talk.
The soft spot for every parent is their children. They want to protect, guide and nurture them into adulthood. They want to give them a better life than they had. They want to see them thrive. If those desires are threatened, watch out.
The talk was anything but pleasant. Full of anger and fear, she informed me of all that I had done wrong in advising her daughter. She also told me how horrible I was as a pastor. She couldn’t understand how I had thought I was being a caring spiritual guide because I, of all people, should know that going into ministry will take her daughter away from their family, leave her poor and relying on the support of others for the rest of her life. In short, I was blamed for ruining her child’s life.
How Not to React to An Angry Parent
When we get that call or drop in meeting from an an angry parent, our first reaction is critical. One of the easiest things to remember in a tense situation is what not to do. Our minds will be racing for a way to react to the anger of the parent. The first things that flash into our mind will be instinctual. So, here’s a list of instinctual things not to do:
Forget to Breathe
When we experience another person’s anger toward us it often feels like a punch to the gut. In that moment, we often forget to breathe and take a moment to pray, “God help me.”
The brief realization that we need to focus on breathing and turn to God in our mind begins the process of reflection on what was just said to us. I’ve been there and shot back in the moment to “deal with the criticism”. When we verbally attack a parent in these moments, the results can be devastating.
Lose ourselves
Sometimes we lose ourselves in the midst of an angry rant. We immediately internalize it and start telling ourselves a story about how that person doesn’t know anything. In the midst of my internal stories, I can lose the fact that I’m just a person full of faults and needing to grow.
In the midst of our wounded state we make the criticizer a villain and assume the place of hero. When this happens, no matter how we reply, we’ll never be able to grow because we’ve dismissed the parent.
Redirect
I am the master of the redirect. It can happen so quickly in a conversation. The anger of the parent gets directed at us and in a flash we point out a different issue. The problem with redirection is the same as losing ourselves. Both of them cut us off from truly hearing the parent and the growth opportunities that could follow.
Allow Abuse
When a parent is angry they can take their criticism too far and begin attacking and bullying us. In the moment, we may allow their attacks as a way to get out of the conversation. But, that’s not healthy.
We must have courage and stop the parent, telling them that they’ve crossed a line. We can’t allow ourselves to be bullied.
Why So Angry?
By the grace of God, if we don’t do or say something that will destroy the relationship or credibility with the parent initially, an angry parent can be a good thing in our ministry. It is a learning opportunity. But before we can get to the learning, we must understand what anger is and God’s intent for it.
Christian psychologist and author Gary Chapman has written extensively on why people get angry and how they should express that anger in healthy ways. He suggests that anger should not be seen as a sin, as some Christians do. Rather, anger is an emotion that the Bible says God expresses as a reaction to unjust or unrighteous realities in the world. However, when humans get angry our selfish nature can distort God’s purpose for anger.[i]
First, anger is not a sin. Some Christians believe that if we get angry at another person that it is against God’s desire for our life. Resting on the nature of God as love, they construct an expectation for all Christians that they should always be nice people. This isn’t a healthy perspective to hold because it leads one away from dealing with their God given emotions.
Second, anger, when expressed by God, serves a righteous purpose. Throughout the Bible we encounter times when God is moved to anger by the unjust conditions that people have created. From people who exploit the poor to nations that commit genocidal acts of war, God’s anger rages against such things and he works to make the world right.
Third, problems arise when we distort God’s purpose for selfish reasons. Instead of getting mad at the exploitation of the poor, people get angry when their internet connection is dropped. When we become angry over selfish things, we express that anger in selfish ways.
When parents come at us with anger, our first question should be, “Why?” If they are angry for a righteous reason then there is a way forward. If they are angry for a selfish reason then there is still a way forward. Either way, we must answer the why question.
Going Deeper Than Anger
If a parent’s angry moment is going to be a learning experience, we’re going to need have tough conversations. The quality of our leadership in ministry is going to be measured not just by the successes, but also by how we lead through difficult times. The same was true of Jesus. His first followers learned just as much from his teaching times as they did from his encounters with those who were angry at him. Having tough conversations with angry parents is not going to be easy, but there are ways we can take those conversations to a level that goes deeper than their anger. Here’s how to do that.
Welcome
Start by being proactive with setting up a meeting to talk with the parent. Just before the meeting starts we need to become a calming presence. When the parent arrives, greet them with a positive attitude. Remember, we are leading and need to set an example.
Listen to the Feedback
Anger is an emotional reaction to a real or perceived injustice. Whether the anger is warranted or not doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we’re talking to a parent of one of our students, and we need to hear their feedback. So, listen for the feedback. Since their feedback is going to be critical we can expect that it will either be, coaching or evaluation. Coaching helps increase knowledge and skill. Evaluation tells where we stand, aligns expectations, or informs decision making.[ii] Identifying the type of feedback they are giving helps us know what we need to do next.
Decoding Labels
As they unpack their anger, parents are going to use labels. Labels are created from an observation and interpretation. For example, a parent may be watching an impromptu dodgeball game unfold at the end of youth group and see that there was no other adult around watching the middle school boys. They interpret it as meaning their child is typically unsupervised. And they slap the label ‘Chaotic and unsupervised youth group meetings’ on our ministry. To get behind the labels we need to ask, “What did you observe that led you to that conclusion?” Once we find out that the parent saw the impromptu dodgeball game and a lack of adult supervision, then we can ask, “What do you think needs to happen?” This invites the parent to engage with we on youth ministry resources, structure, and way of life. Even if their advice isn’t practical, we still invited a parent into the life of the youth ministry, which is a win.
Forgiveness
Once we understand why the parent is angry, their criticism and their opinion about moving forward, we may need forgiveness for what we’ve done wrong. I’m the type of person who needs to reflect on what I’ve done wrong before I seek forgiveness. So I’ll ask a parent if we can talk again after I’ve had time to think and pray about the conversation. Whenever we choose to apologize and seek forgiveness, we need to be ready to not only say the words “I’m sorry” but also explain how we are going to change in the future.
In the course of the conversation, the parent may have offended us and they may need to be forgiven. It is important that we express that to them by telling them why we were offended without using labels.
Leading Forward
Finally we need to lead away from this situation into a different future. Leading into the future means we need to propose a plan for implementing changes for ourselves, the ministry and possibly our relationship with the parent. Here is where we need to be vulnerable and ask for the parents help in navigating a way forward. Taking the impromptu dodgeball example above, leading forward may mean we ask their help in recruiting volunteers or to come to a whole youth meeting and observe. Whatever, we need to do, it our role to lead into the future remembering we’ve been given the ministry of reconciliation.
The Rest of the Story
My conversation with the mama bear ended with valuable lessons for both of us. I learned to include parents in critical ministry conversations. A simple call and invitation to meet with the girl and her parents would have meant the world to the mom. And I learned that I missed a valuable opportunity to be the family pastor instead of merely the youth pastor. The mom learned to trust God’s guidance and care for her daughter, no matter where it would take her kid.
The conversation I had with her was not easy but it ultimately led both of us to grow. It’s my hope that the same will be true for all of our adventures with angry parents.
[i] Gary Chapman, The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 1999).
[ii] Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, (New York: Penguin Books, 2015).