I have to be strong. There are times when youth workers need to suppress their feelings and provide a strong presence. Such demonstrations of strength are needed in the midst of a sudden crisis when clear thinking and direction is needed. However, strength should not be defined by keeping one’s emotions suppressed. Ask yourself: “Are you stronger and better at dealing with the pain of loss than Jesus?” Remember, Jesus wept.

I don’t have time to stop. Do you not have time to stop, or are you afraid of what you will find if you do stop? Josh and Susan have been involved in youth ministry for a long time and have experienced every type of loss in the book. Even though they knew better, there have been times when they have turned up the pace of ministry in order to avoid an emotional confrontation with a loss. As a result, the couple’s friends did not recognize the couple’s need for support. This left Josh and Susan feeling isolated and hurt by their friend’s perceived lack of care and concern. A little time off could have really saved Josh and Susan a lot of pain and heartache. Remember that Jesus, in the face of ministry pressures, “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed (Luke 5:16),” and we would do good to follow His example.

Finding a Safe Place to Grieve

While fully divine, Jesus was also fully human and had to deal with ministry disappointments and grief. Jesus found and created safe places in which personal healing and comfort could be provided. A safe place is a physical, spiritual and/or relational location in which the one in pain can express his or her feelings of loss openly without fear of judgment. Jesus found safety in friends and family, select leaders and counselors (i.e., Holy Spirit; Moses/Elijah) and in the practice of spiritual disciplines. Take an inventory of the safe places available to you.

Safe Place Inventory

Friends and family. Who are the people who love and support you because of who you are, not what you do?

Select Leaders. In some situations it is wise to find leaders outside your particular church so safety and objectivity can be ensured. Who are the select leaders who love you for who you are, not what you do?

Counselor. If you are suffering from the consequences created by practicing the youth ministry grief myths, it may be time to refer yourself to a counselor. With whom are you most comfortable talking?

Spiritual Disciplines. Sometimes a crisis is required to bring the disciplines back into play. Circle and begin to practice the disciplines you believe will provide the best opportunity for joining God in the journey through grief (Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines, 158).