Incidentally, this is why training your adult and student leaders to be diligent about seeking out new and unconnected students is absolutely essential. You can't be expected to go after these students on your own, and we have to remind our leaders constantly that they play a huge role in this.

Transitions, such as when students move from grade school to middle school and middle school to high school, are crucial times to help parents whose students who are struggling with the change. Parents should be warned that their kids might not make smooth transitions, so it's imperative that we help prepare them on how to respond.

If a student is diametrically opposed to coming, I suggest using Colin's parents' technique: Reach some sort of compromise so the student remains involved, and hope he'll make some connections with other people. Special events such as fun nights, retreats and mission trips are key, because new friendships are more likely to be forged then. Other parents have given their children a choice between several options: They have to attend Sunday morning services, small group, large group or some other event at least once a week. The problem with this scenario is that the students might choose only to attend Sunday mornings, figuring that at least it gets it out of the way. They can sit in the pew and go home, never making friends or being forced to engage their faith. This scenario, while better than nothing, holds the least amount of promise in actually getting them to take the next step in their faith journeys.

You also have to be honest about the fact that a student who doesn't want to be there can be a distraction to those who do. Parents aren't doing anyone any favors by forcing their children to attend, only to let them talk and cut up the whole night. The reluctant students are resentful, others are annoyed and the youth leader is frustrated.

Recognize When It's Not Working

You may have to make the call at some point that if a student can't behave and clearly is not enjoying the ministry to ask that he or she not participate any longer. This may seem like a failure, but if the student is unwilling to submit to your authority, you may have no choice.

We also have to come to terms with the fact that any given group isn't going to be the answer for every student. For instance, our ministry doesn't play a lot of games, and we have about 25 minutes of music each week; so we're probably not going to be very attractive to a guy who enjoys games and doesn't like to sing. Be ready to suggest an alternative to parents who still want their child in a Christian group. Remember that other youth groups aren't your rivals; they're partners in ministry. Be willing to suggest another group if you think that would be a better fit for a specific teen. Or if the student would feel more comfortable in a small-group setting, steer him or her to a midweek small group that meets in a home instead.

You'll also need to be sensitive to parents faced with their students' lack of interest. For some, the whole reason they're in your church might be because they hoped their child would connect with the youth ministry. When this doesn't happen, it's quite possible they'll resent you or feel like God has failed them. Be prepared to help them deal with this disappointment in a gracious way, and make sure you don't take it personally.

Reach out to the Reluctant

If you know of students who especially are unconnected, reach out to them outside of the big group. Throughout his high school career, I took Billy (the one-half time visitor) out to lunch about once a year, and we continue to have a decent friendship. His parents greatly appreciated the time I took to reach out.

We're called to make disciples. In some cases, that will involve pursuing lost sheep, reflecting God's heart as in Luke 15. In other cases, it'll involve shepherding the flock that's under your care, heeding Peter's charge in 1 Peter 5:2. This commitment to both roles of the shepherd should be reflected with which students we spend our one-on-one time. In my calendar, I have two lists of students with whom I meet, a "Teach" and a "Reach" list. Both are necessary, and both require being intentional.

Having said that, you also need to realize your time is limited; you can't spend it all pursuing students who clearly have no interest in being pursued. You must not beat yourself up over those who aren't connecting. At the end of the day, having done your best to open your arms to the wandering, you leave the rest to the Good Shepherd, whose own heart is relentless in pursuit of His lost ones.