"So I've been smoking with some friends lately." The seriousness with which Jared was sharing this with me suggested that he wasn't talking about cigarettes.

"You mean you were smoking pot?"

"Yeah."

Then a pause. "You're not going to tell my parents I smoked, are you?"

How do we respond to questions like that? We all know that as youth ministry workers, we aren't to take the place of parents, but to help them raise their children. Would I want to know if my kids were smoking pot? Of course, but what role does confidentiality play? Are we bound by legality or morality to break confidence in a situation like this?

I'm sure it's just that I'm getting older than I realize, but it does seem like even the good kids these days are finding it harder and harder to stay away from compromising situations. If we go to the parents every time we hear something, word will get around quickly that "you can't open up to the youth pastor—he'll just squeal." If we sit on information about a student engaging in illegal or dangerous activity, something worse could happen.

Legally Speaking

Pastors are legally protected in ways that even licensed therapists are not. Your state may have different laws, but generally speaking the courts encourage parishioners to be open with their ministers. Of course, common sense tells you that if you know of or suspect abuse or the imminent threat of students doing injury to themselves or another, the proper authorities should be contacted immediately. Having said that, it's often hard to figure out what to do with the information students offer you that falls into a gray area.

The reality is that Jared isn't in any immediate danger by smoking pot a few times, but it's also clear that he's no tmaking a legal nor a healthy choice. It's only a matter of time before this poor choice could lead to much more dangerous ones. What about students cutting themselves, not to attempt suicide, but as a means of self-mutilation? Each crisis situation has its specific dos and don'ts; but generally speaking, what do we do with the information presented to us?

Establishing Trust

Welcome to walking the fine line between being their friend and showing them "tough love." Many have walked this road before you, and there's been carnage on both sides. On one side of the line, you find youth workers who've committed themselves so deeply to being a student's friend that they lose any ability to speak truth. One youth worker I read about even convinced himself that getting high with students was the only way he could truly reach out to them.

On the other side of the line are those who never seem to have students open up to them because the minute anything controversial comes up, the parents are called, trust is broken and the opportunity to make a difference is lost. There's a reason why they're talking to us and not their parents. We have to take our role seriously and be willing to navigate this line with wisdom and care.