Because she was a compliant child and a good student, she repressed her personal desires and fulfilled those of her parents. Eventually, however, Alisa began to feel trapped and afraid that she never would make friends or have dates. As she considered her future, she began to experience a growing fear that she always would be alone and unhappy. One day, to everyone's total shock, Alisa ran away from home so she could live her own life and pursue her own dreams. She did contact her parents after many months, but she never returned home. By not allowing Alisa to discover her own identity as a person, her parents lost out on their dream of having a gymnastics star as a daughter—but far more important and more tragic, they lost their daughter altogether.

A more common reaction than Alisa's compliance is rebellion. Testing limits and defying authority is characteristic of most teens in varying degrees, but it isn't as much an "in your face" rejection of authority as it is an attempt to discover personal niches in an unfolding world: "Where are the boundaries that define my space?"

Teenage girls most often look to their mothers to help them discover who they will become, which is, perhaps, why the mother-daughter relationship is normally characterized by more closeness and more discord than any other parent-child relationship. As adolescent girls challenge their mothers' authority and opinions, they also monitor their reactions and internalize the information. They are learning, consciously and unconsciously, how "to become." How many adult females, for better or worse, have awakened one day to realize, "I am my mother"?

Male rebellion often may take more extreme forms, because frequently they are left to discover their identities without interference from adult males. All too often, fathers retreat from their adolescent sons out of a mistaken belief that they need to face challenges and struggles on their own if they are to become "strong men." As recent research has reminded us, however, the role of the father is key in helping sons negotiate life. The desire for relationships is as strong for teen males as it is for females. They long to stay attached to their parents and significant adult role models, and these connections have the power to help them discover their identity, to develop into men.

Symptomatic Behaviors and Attitudes

Numerous polls and studies are conducted regularly to help us understand the most persistent beliefs and concerns of teens. A recent Newsweek poll year identified violence in society, sexually transmitted diseases and the cost of their college education as the top three teen worries. In his popular work The Bridger Generation Thom S. Rainer highlights the fears of today's teens: "Their greatest fear is that something bad will happen to their families; they are afraid they will not make it financially as adults; they are afraid of being a victim of crime; they live in fear of AIDS."