"Hey, howzit goin'?" "How are ya doing?" "What's goin' on, man?" Am I the only one who gets annoyed by these generic, un-heartfelt inquiries? It's tried and true; superficial questions get superficial answers. Somehow I can't hear Jesus casually asking the disciples or Pharisees, "How's everybody doin' today?"

Jesus often got into peoples' heads and under their skin with the 73 questions He asked in the Gospel of Matthew alone. His questions either led up to something ("Who do people say the Son of Man is?"), revealed His character (thereby revealing God's, "But what about you?...Who do you say I am?"), made people think ("Have you understood all these things?"), helped them process the principles He was teaching ("What do you think, Simon?"), or challenged their faith ("You of little faith, why do you doubt?"). If Jesus knew the answers to His questions, yet asked anyway, do we have good reasons to avoid question asking when we don't know the answers?

Years ago, I began a personal study of communication, reading everything pertinent, paying attention to shows that highlighted communication techniques and taking mental notes about how certain people get the most relationship mileage in their ministries and personal friendships. Whether they taught it or I somehow caught it, I've learned that people who've mastered the fine art of question asking are more effective in communication all the way around.

Whether speaking in front of an audience, leading small groups, one-on-one, or (my personal favorite) bedtime snuggling with your kids, good question-asking skills and good questions themselves are worth learning. Even through e-mail, you can cyber-mentor if you know the right questions to ask. Students may communicate in writing what they feel too vulnerable to say in person. It may not be the optimum method of discipleship, but take what you can get until you can  coax them gently into talking to you.

In any given conversation, I ask people questions for one or all of the following reasons:

• I care and want to hear the answer.

• Often one needs to hear one's own answer.

• Questions buy a little time to think things through in a serious conversation.

• Listening to the answer earns me the right to speak into the other person's life.

• For the life of me, I can't think of anything to say!

Youth mentor Jeanne Mayo used to warn her leadership core not to assume we knew the rest of the story when someone was talking—that even if we'd heard a similar story a dozen times; inevitably there might be a twist or detail that would open us up to the person, perhaps enabling us to be a greater help. Even when there's no twist, Mayo told us to listen all the way through to the end anyway. The main reason I ask questions is to get inside the other person's head and hear his or her heart. Who doesn't want and need someone capable of that?

Anyone can ask a generic "How ya doin'?" but no matter how sincere you may be, questions like that are hit-and-miss. How often have you blown off that very inquiry thinking the inquirer didn't really want to hear your answer? While there's a risk to asking more personal questions—to you and the other person—once he or she knows you've really heard, trust tips the scale in the relationship and leads you into genuine friendship or at least healthy influence. It's not about being simpatico; it's about being real and by your gutsy questions, saying to the other person, "It's safe for you to be real with me."