“Where were you when you heard the news, and what did you think and feel?”

Students need help in processing their grief. They need help in getting to the place of acknowledging the reality of the situation. When we first opened the floor for students to respond to the above question, it was obvious students were not ready to respond on their own. In a moment of desperation (my own discomfort with silence) I simply asked everyone to speak aloud where they were. After everyone spoke the words at the same time it seemed they felt a commonality and then began to share their individual stories of disbelief, shock and pain. As students shared their initial reactions, they were identifying their emotions and coming to see that what they were feeling was common to many in the room.

“What will you always remember about ___________?”

As the first question focused on the death of the person, question two was designed to help teenagers reflect on the whole of the person’s life. Tragedy often makes us only see the void death brings. Life seems to be pointless and to have little value. By having students reflect on their memories, we were able to help them restore the value of life. As students spoke aloud, they were able to process and find comfort and value in the time spent with the deceased person. I remember being struck by the amount of laughter in the room as students shared their memories.

“What did ____________ give you that you will have with you always?”

As teens process their grief, it is important for them to admit what has happened and reflect on their memories, hopefully while arriving at a place of giving thanks for the life of the deceased. To avoid sounding too “churchy,” we didn’t ask students to “give thanks,” but to reflect on how their lives were better for having had this teacher in school. During the next few minutes we heard students use words, such as “thankful” or “thank you” and “grateful.” They were giving thanks in their own way and in their own words.

As youth pastors, we often are called on to work outside our comfort zones. When there was silence, it was difficult not to speak, but simply to sit on the stage and wait for someone else to move to a microphone. After a compelling story, it was difficult simply to say, “Thank you,” and to not add my own thoughts and comments. It was difficult to see my students and their friends hurt and cry. Every ounce of me wanted to provide answers and comfort them. Yet, in this moment I had to sit still and allow them to grieve. They had to get through the waters of grief on their own. (Not alone, but on their own.) There were many hugs afterward, but at this moment I had to sit and let God do what He wanted to do. I learned that night that His comfort is more sufficient than mine would have been. My job was to sit still and allow Him to move in that place. (I confess, I don’t think many of us do this well or often enough!)

The sad reality is that many of us may be required to deal with students being thrust into grief after a tragedy. Take these few ideas and tuck them away for the day you must provide students a place to grieve. May you, your ministry and your church be known as a place where teenagers discover real comfort amid the tragedies in their lives!