Most of us who have any experience working with teenagers probably have too many stories of tragedy and crises affecting the students with whom we work. One of my worst experiences with teenage tragedy occurred before I entered youth ministry, while teaching high school.

As a teacher, a phone call before 7 a.m. never means good news, and this particular day would be no different. My department chair described the tragedy to me in terms I did not understand. “One of our students immolated himself at the flagpole in front of the school early this morning. A custodian found his remains when he showed up to unlock the building today.” After arriving at school I would learn the student had committed suicide by setting fire to himself—burning to death.

A tragedy this shocking stirs emotions in even the most distant individual, but I especially was struck by how a core group of this student’s friends saw grief over this event as a right belonging exclusively to them. He only had a small group of close friends, and they were more offended than comforted by the emotional expressions of other students through the ordeal.

During this tragedy I came to understand how trials of any type—regardless of severity—often lead to two different types of distress that we must understand in our students: the specific pain of those directly impacted by a crisis situation and the general grief experienced in varying degrees by those casually associated with the event.

Disproportionate Responses

Unresolved grief or memories of past experiences often lurk just beneath the surface of consciousness in adults and youth. When confronting issues of all sorts—whether it is an unplanned pregnancy, natural disaster or major crisis such as a school shooting—many of our responses to the crisis at hand spring from the emotional baggage we carry in our minds from past experiences.

As we mature, we gain a better understanding of how to balance expressions of grief with respect and support for those who experience a loss or hardship much closer than ourselves.

When dealing with youth, it is important to understand these events often cause excessive emotional responses that, on the surface, seem out of proportion to the level of emotion we would expect them to cause.

Too often, we dismiss these expressions as “teenage drama” or “attention-seeking” behaviors, but we must learn to recognize when these expressions are truly legitimate, just disproportionate. When dealing with disproportionate grief, youth workers can provide proper guidance to students in several different ways.

During a crisis, we should make sure we minister to the students who are most directly affected by the crisis. We also may guide students who are not as close to a tragedy toward appropriate expressions of their grief. Finally, we can take advantages of the many opportunities available to teach students how to react to crises before they occur.