When we asked what specifically would fall apart, the group could not say; but they were convinced the statement was accurate.

What they are striving for is not the thing itself but rather what they believe the accomplishment will bring with it. Performance, then, is not about the touchdown, the “A” or a role in the school play. It is about how others will perceive them.

2) Home Sweet Stress

Students’ interactions with their parents can be a major source of stress. A fight with a parent or step-parent just as they are walking out the door can produce a brooding mood that lasts much of the day. They don’t like to talk about it much, but they are easily discouraged if there’s an unresolved conflict at home.

Kids desperately want what they know they cannot have. On one side, they want parents to be great, nonjudgmental friends, who affirm everything they do; and who leave them alone. On the other, they want parents who care enough about them to be—well—parents.

Even mid-adolescent logic can, when summoned to do so, see these two desires cannot coexist when it comes to parents. There is no way a parent can be caring, involved, nurturing, and draw boundaries for them—and at the same time be a great pal and fan who never interferes in his or her child’s life. However, this paradox is what mid-adolescents believe is possible—and preferable.

3) The Stress of Relationships

The most delicate, and yet easily disguised, source of stress for kids is their desire to keep people happy. They may not seem to care about how others react to them, but that is an act. They care deeply about what others think of them.

Much of the time their self-focus and self-centeredness keep them from reading the cues available to them. They may wear dismissal by an adult or a student they don’t like as a badge of assertive honor, but inside, they know they’re taking a risk and desperately want everyone to respect and affirm, if not outright like, them.

The Mask of Busyness

Just below the surface, today’s kids feel a sense of loneliness and isolation that betrays the confidence with which they present themselves, even to one another.

The busyness they embrace keeps them from having to reflect on their dreams, their relationships and their lives. The resultant stress only serves to compound the desperation they feel that somehow, in some way, they might be able to work hard enough or play hard enough to free themselves from the burden of loneliness and fear.

Certainly, they are tired, and many are angry. Both of these, however, are symptoms of a deeper threat to their well being and ultimately to their ability to progress through mid-adolescence.

At their core, they long for the safety and freedom of childhood and have no clear vision of what adulthood will be like. As a result of the abandonment by adults and adult institutions they have faced throughout their lives, most kids carry inside them a powerful defense mechanism that keeps them running as fast and as hard as they can. They know no other way to cope with life.

The quicker they move, the less vulnerable they are to ridicule, critique or even examination. Kids know they must put on a mask of confidence, even arrogance, or they will be chewed up by those who would find them out.

The adults who love and care for them should not be fooled. Yes, they are busy. Yes, they are stressed. However, in the midst of their blur they want someone–you or me–to take a break from our adult form of busyness long enough to show them through our words and actions the one thing they want to hear from us: “You matter to me.”