It was a typical day at the Christian middle school where I work, and I was witnessing yet another incident of girls being mean to each other. Maria, who was having a bad morning, broke down in class and cried. Jessica looked in the window of the classroom and saw Maria break down. Jessica is one of Maria’s problems because she attacks her verbally. At lunch, Jessica attacked Maria verbally again, which led to Maria hitting Jessica. They both were taken to the office. Jessica was proud.

Every girl has at least one female nemesis in life. Mean girls exist everywhere, and the church is not exempt. Here are some steps I have taken to deal successfully with mean girls in my 16 years of youth ministry, my one year of teaching in a Christian middle school, and in my personal relationships with girls.

Building Relationships

One of the key elements missing with many young girls today is healthy relationships. Today’s girls connect with others more than any other generation, but there is a difference between connecting and building healthy relationships.

I have found that special events for girls provide opportunities to forge stronger relationships. Retreats and sleepovers for girls are great places to create a safe environment for them to begin developing positive relationships with one another. It’s also a great place to have “girl talk” and where adults can serve as listeners for the group.

You also can organize other small “girls only” events. Allow the girls to have a part in the planning. No matter what the size of the youth ministry, these events are important for the girls to connect with one another.

In addition, serving with others can create friendships that someone wouldn’t expect to make. Whether it is caring for an elderly lady by cleaning her house, reading to young children, or cleaning the church nursery, the people working together begin to talk and generate friendships. This is especially true of females who usually connect best by talking. Our youth ministries need to continue to provide service projects for girls to be able to work and connect.

Depth Through Discipleship

Discipleship is valuable to any ministry, and for youth ministry its value can be raised by making it a time that is relational to Christ and to one another. There are many ways discipleship can be done with girls. Small-group Bible studies where girls can be authentic with one another are valuable to girls. Leadership training for girls is important to them, as well as the overall youth ministry; this is where they will learn how to lead with appropriate attitudes, not with aggression.

One part of discipleship I have found to be of utmost importance is mentoring. Female youth workers can be utilized best to mentor young girls. Enlist youth workers who are genuine, caring, mature, understanding and who have great listening skills. Before a youth worker mentors, be sure she won’t cause damage because she hasn’t worked through her own issues.