Adolescents are guided by something called egocentric abstraction.
They see life through the limited lenses of self-interest and protection. So they say things and do things that are actually deeper cries for help that they don’t even recognize themselves.
In this article we will explore six of the most powerful longings of today’s adolescents. But in our interactions with young people we rarely if ever hear these longings expressed so clearly. That’s because kids are seldom aware of what their own longings are or how to express them.
Both kids and adults can fall into communication styles that keep them from hearing each other. What they say is often different from what we hear, and both of these are usually different from what they mean.
No. 1:
“You Don’t Know Me” vs. “I Long to Belong” Kids say this when they feel an adult is trying to put them in a box. What we too often hear in their response is that they want to push us away. This makes us feel, “I don’t matter to her.” The problem with this reaction is that it produces exactly the opposite of what your child actually needs.
When young people say, “You don’t even know me,” remember, it is not about you. They are using you as a punching bag for their own inner struggles to connect with others. They have an intense longing to belong, and this is always a difficult longing because relationships feel so tenuous and unpredictable.
Here are four ways to respond when you sense that young people have a need to belong:Z
1.Acknowledge that you care about them.
2.Let them know that it sounds to you like they may have some deep feelings going on that you may have triggered.
3.Let them know you want to know more about why they feel the way they do.
4.Let them know you’d love to sit and talk with them when they are ready.
No. 2:
“You Never Listen to Me” vs. “I Long to Be Taken Seriously”
When adolescents say you never listen, they accompany their words by actions: they roll their eyes, fold their arms, and adopt a look of boredom or exasperation with our common “lecture mode.”
We get mad because we don’t think they want to hear from us. So parents complain that their kids don’t want to listen to them, and kids say exactly the same thing about parents!
The most intimate human activity anyone can engage in is not sex but conversation. Having an authentic, two-way, respectful, and honoring dialogue is the greatest gift any two people can give each other. Unfortunately, too many adults get hoodwinked into believing it is their job to get information “through” to their kid.
Kids deserve and desperately need the gift of give-and-take talk. By disciplining yourself to slow down your instruction, wisdom, or agenda and learn how to truly listen to them, you will communicate volumes more than you ever could with words alone. In that simple act of generosity, you are telling young people that what they have to say matters every bit as much to you as what you have to say to them.