Zach Johnson found his mother in the living room, sitting on the couch in front of the TV. Iraq was in the news again, and tears were running down her cheeks.
Zach didn’t know what to say. He knew she must be thinking of his dad, stationed in Baghdad. How could he comfort his mom when he felt the same dread she did? As the eldest son he felt pressure to be “the man of the house”; yet here he was, a 17-year-old high school drop-out trying to beat drug addiction. And how could he be a role model to his little brother when he didn’t have a role model of his own?
As the war in Iraq enters its fifth year, United States military forces are deployed all over the world, including other hot spots like Afghanistan. Future increases in troop strength may be likely, meaning even more military families like Zach’s are going to be faced with uncertainty, stress, fear, loneliness, and, unfortunately, sometimes loss. What can a youth ministry worker do to help meet the unique needs of military families?
The church and parachurch organizations both have an opportunity to share the good news of a faithful and unwavering God with people whose lives are in flux. Often it’s the young people in the picture who suffer the most.
ROCKY RE-ENTRY
Zach Johnson’s dad couldn’t have left at a more crucial time. Zach was finally getting clean, and he really needed his father’s support. Their occasional brief phone calls didn’t help much. With his dad gone, the closest thing to a father figure Zach could find was his next-door neighbor. When the man next door wasn’t available, Zach turned to his friends, who cared about him but had the same vices and lacked wisdom.
When Zach’s dad did finally return, it wasn’t what either of them had expected. “No one comes back the same from that,” said Zach, alluding to his father’s experiences in Iraq.
In fact, both of them had changed. During his dad’s absence, the family had learned to survive without him. Soon after his return, Zach’s father made his temporary separation from Zach’s mother permanent. The military dedicates a large amount of resources toward “reintegration,” a process that many families struggle with. Unfortunately, Zach’s family’s failure to successfully reintegrate resulted in divorce.
PROVIDING A SOLID BASE
James Cotton has seen many cases like Zach’s. Cotton has been youth pastor for the last five years at First Baptist Copperas Cove, located just outside Fort Hood in Texas. For his families, the war is a tangible reality. During Cotton’s tenure, more than 400 church members have deployed to the Middle East.
Cotton does youth ministry in an environment marked by constant adaptation and struggles with worry, which can be devastating not only to the family on the home front but also to the deployed parent. He has seen concern about imminent deployment turn members who once seemed like spiritual giants into spiritual weaklings.
Military families tend to be orderly and structured, Cotton observes. When one or both of the parents are removed from the family unit, the dynamic can turn chaotic. That chaos can show up in the fluctuation of discipline. Kids usually either respond by maturing or rebelling.
It is critical for the church to become a “stable structure” in the life of the students and the home-front spouses, said Cotton. “You don’t necessarily become a father, but definitely a father figure.”
“They need to see that we’re there, we’re real, and we’re authentic,” he said.
SURROGATE PARENTS
Teaven Barnum was 14 the first time his father went to Iraq. When he found out about the deployment, he couldn’t help thinking, “Why did it have to be him?”
Coincidentally, one of Teaven’s older friends was deployed with his dad. In one particularly heavy battle, Teaven’s dad witnessed the friend die in combat. Teaven’s dad felt guilty and was sure that Teaven would blame him for the tragedy. The event began to drive an emotional wedge between the father and son.
Meanwhile, while his dad was still overseas, Teaven met Jesus Christ through the ministry of Military Community Youth Ministries (www. mcym.org), a parachurch organization that—in cooperation with the armed forces—places Young Life and Youth for Christ staff at American military installations. By the time his dad got home, they discovered that Teaven was no longer interested in many of the things he and his father had had in common.
His father’s second deployment to Iraq was going to cause yet another move for his family that had struggled so hard for stability. That’s when the family of one of his youth leaders offered to take Teaven in so that he could complete his senior year with his friends.
Now Teaven is leading middle school students through Military Community Youth Ministries so that they can experience the same love and care he received.
HELPING “THIRD CULTURE” KIDS
Military kids “are truly ‘third culture’ kids, temporarily living in a world that is not their own,” said Marty McCarty, executive director of Military Community Youth Ministries.
This “third culture” produces teens who have a more developed sense of the reality of death, McCarty said. “While many other students may be dreaming about success, they ponder survival.”
This creates a receptive audience for the message that “God will follow you to your next station.”
Military Community Youth Ministries describes itself as a chapel-based, community-focused, and relationally motivated ministry. Its message of intimacy with Christ is attractive to teens who struggle to create friendships that will last more than the two or so years they are in any one community.
MCYM leaders are “able to walk alongside teenagers who face fear, and offer the hope and peace of Jesus Christ in the midst of their chaotic world,” McCarty said.
ON THE HOME-FRONT
Suzann Mayfield has a unique perspective as someone who both ministers through Military Community Youth Ministries and is the home-front mother of her own military family.
Mayfield is surrounded by a culture of loyalty and infidelity, faith and insecurity, structure and transience. She knows all too well what it’s like to work with kids who feel like they have no community roots and who have trouble grasping the concept of a deep, long-lasting relationship. She has to be a solid fixture not only for her community but for her four kids as well.
In the midst of this struggle for “normalcy,” Mayfield’s two oldest children, Abby and Tommy, have had to learn how to fill some of their dad’s roles while he’s away. Mayfield says they mow the lawn, hang the Christmas lights, and do more babysitting—in general being more supportive of Mom.
The children have needed more support, too. For instance, several MCYM leaders made a commitment to make sure someone would be at Tommy’s football games—cheering him on from the sidelines—or would do other basic “dad stuff” with him. The community stepped up to make sure he had the male presence he needed in his father’s absence.
The family also has learned to reintegrate their father into the family when he returns. “It’s weird having him back. You’re used to him not being around, and then he’s there.”
The Mayfields are fortunate. Dad is back home, and they have enjoyed the support of a Christian community. But other military families aren’t so fortunate. For these families, youth pastors may have an important role to play in keeping family and faith together during a time of war.
Adam Griffin is director of youth ministry at Lamb of God Lutheran Church in Flower Mound, Texas.
